Secrets
by Ilmare-Ilse
Summary: Sometimes the burden of your darkest secrets doesn't seem so heavy if you have someone to share it with. Post Ep 6x09. Some spoilers for season 6.


She couldn't really explain it, but even after working more than 30 hours straight, finishing all the paperwork of the Compass Killer Case, and sharing the best Italian meal she'd had in weeks with the team, she had found herself on her bed, unable to fall asleep.

Flack had said that each and every one of them would sleep well tonight. And maybe that was true for most of the team. But tonight, all the jokes, laughs and smiles coming from Flack seemed false, forced, like an act that he was desperately trying to play.

That's how half an hour later, she found herself at his doorstep, knocking on his door.

She was debating whether to knock again or leave him in peace when he opened the door. He was wearing the same clothes he had at the restaurant, but the paleness of his skin, his bloodshot eyes and the dark shadows under them made him look like a totally different person from the man she had shared dinner with just a couple of hours ago.

He looked at her confused. "Stell? What are you doing here?"

She started having second thoughts, but it was a little late for that, so what the hell… "I couldn't sleep, and I was wondering if you would want to talk for a little while?" She smiled timidly.

"Stell, it's almost 1 am…"

"And yet, you're not wearing anything that resembles sleeping clothes…" She said, looking at him hopefully.

He sighed, opening the door and letting her in. "Come on in… Can I get you anything? Tea, a beer… I have the feeling you've had enough coffee for the day…"

"Tea is fine, thank you." She sat down on his couch, looking around his apartment. She noticed that it looked much better than the last time she had stopped by: everything in its right place, no takeout leftovers or dirty laundry lying around. The only things that she noticed and that concerned her were the bottle of whisky on his coffee table, how dark and silent his place looked – not even the TV was on – and the sight of his untouched bed.

After a couple of minutes, Don came back with two mugs of tea. Handing her one, he sat next to her on the couch. He looked at her expectantly, waiting for her to start talking.

Stella didn't really know where to start. Looking around, her eyes settled on the bottle on the table. She didn't know if she should ask, but Don didn't wait for her to ask the question. "I didn't touch it. When I came home I went straight for it, but once I was sitting here, I started thinking on how much more it would mess everything up if I went down that road again. So I just sat here, staring at it." He ducked his head, looking at his folded hands.

She looked at him, wondering how he could go from the confident detective chasing a suspect above and below ground to this seemingly lost man. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Her question startled him. As usual, denial was on the tip of his tongue. "About what?"

She leaned forward, trying to catch his eyes. "About whatever it was that got you to go straight for a bottle of whisky the minute you got home?"

If possible, he seemed to curl even more into himself. She could barely hear his soft words. "I don't know Stell… After all the trouble we went through to catch the Compass Killer, we end up catching a lost man, trying to avenge the death of his wife… I can't help but think that… I'm not much different from him… Am I turning into someone like Hollis Eckhart?"

Whatever she was expecting, it was nothing like this. "What?!"

He turned to her with a desperate look in his eyes. "He lost the woman he loved right in front of his eyes, and he ended up killing innocent people, trying to make right the things he thought were wrong. After I lost Jess I…" He looked around, taking a shuddering breath and running trembling fingers through his hair. He looked briefly at Stella and then lowered his eyes. "Stell, you need to go home…" He said, looking defeated, exhausted.

She put her hand on his shoulder, noticing he was trembling softly. "Don, you can talk to me, you know you can tell me anything…"

He didn't allow her to continue. "No! I've no right to… I can't dump this on your shoulders! Mac wouldn't hear about it!! It's my burden to bear, and that's what I'll do…"

He wanted to stand and pace the room, but Stella's hand on his shoulder made him stay put, because he desperately needed the contact, even if he didn't want to admit it. Stella squeezed his shoulder softly. "Don, look at me." Once she got his attention, she went on.

"A few weeks after Jess died, I was feeling very sad, and alone. And I did a very bad thing."

That got Don's attention. "What? What did you do?"

She looked him in the eyes, gathering herself to be totally honest about the secret she had been keeping for the last few months. "I slept with Adam Ross."

Of all the things he had been expecting, this certainly wasn't one of them. "You what!?"

She repeated herself calmly. "I slept with Adam."

He really couldn't be more confused about this whole conversation. "What does it have to do with… I mean, what? Are you two dating now or what?"

She shook her head. "No, a couple of days after it happened, I asked Adam to keep it a secret, to pretend that it never happened and that nobody could know about it. I knew he had feelings for me, and I used him."

Don looked very surprised. "Ross, huh? He's a big boy, Stell… Whatever you two did, it's between the two of you..." Don shook his head… "Lucky bastard…"

Stella chuckled, but looked Don in the eyes. "Don, nobody can know about this, I trust you with my secret. I'm burdening you with it, because I trust that you can keep it, and that the burden is not too big for you to bear."

Don tensed, straightening his spine and lowered his eyes. "Stell, you don't know what you're talking about. Sleeping with Adam can't even compare with what… You don't know what you are asking…"

He shook his head, moving to stand up, but Stella took his hand, keeping him in place. "I know what I'm asking, Don. Whatever it is… I'm here." She squeezed his hand.

Don ducked his head, finally giving up the fight. He couldn't look her in the eyes, but he kept his hand where it was while he made his confession. "The day that Jess died, I just - I wanted to make it right. When I saw Simon Cade, he was lying on the floor of that basement. His gun was on the floor, a few feet away from him, but it was the gun that killed her! I - I stood over him, looked him in the eyes, and… And I shot him." Don took his hand away from Stella's grip, running his finger through his hair. "I killed him in cold blood, Stell. I'm no better than Hollis Eckhart."

Stella put her hand on Don's knee, squeezing softly, and noticing the soft trembling of Don's body and how fast he was breathing. She had figured that something like that could have happened, but the only ones that knew for sure were Danny, who had reported it as self defense, and Don. She looked up at him. "Don, you were put in a situation where you shouldn't have been in the first place; you did what anyone of us would have done…"

Don shook his head. "No, Mac wouldn't have done it. Even Rikki Sandoval didn't shoot that kid… Simon Cade was not going anywhere… He was injured, and I finished him…"

Stella got up from the couch, kneeling in front of Don and taking his hands. "Don, look at me." Once she got his attention, she continued. "You were alone out there, Don! You held Jess while she bled to death that morning, and by the afternoon you were facing his murderer! You shouldn't have been there alone, and the fact that you did what you did is as much your responsibility as is ours!!"

"I asked Mac to let me be there Stell! I wanted to catch the bastard that hurt her, but I never thought I would go that far…" He lifted his eyes, looking more vulnerable than she had ever seen him. "Stell, I promised him that I would pull myself together, that something like this would never happen again… What if I can't keep that promise?! What if, like Eckhart, I end up hurting innocent people, thinking I'm making things right?"

Stella took a deep breath, hoping to say the right things. "Don, there are many differences between you and Hollis Eckhart, but the most important is that he was alone to deal with both physical and psychological trauma. You are not alone, Don. We won't let you go through this alone…"

Don started shaking his head. "I have to Stell! I promised Mac that I would deal with this! That I would fix it!"

"And you will! But you need to realize that you're not alone in that fight. That whatever demons you're fighting, we'll be right there with you! We are a team, a family, and whenever one of us needs help, we'll be there. But we need you to be able to ask for help when you need it, and accept it when it's given… can you do that?"

Don took a moment to take in Stella's words. Even if he wanted to, Don's voice wouldn't work anyway, so he settled for nodding his head. Stella gathered him in her arms and held him until he stopped shaking.

Don lifted his head from Stella's shoulder, sitting back on the couch and looking down at his hands. "When are you going to make the report?" He asked, without looking at her.

She looked confused. "What report?"

Don still wouldn't look at her. "Simon Cade… You have to report it."

Stella squeezed Flack's knee and stood up. "There's nothing to report. Danny reviewed the Crimes scene, and IAB called it a good shot, that's all there is to it."

Don looked up surprised. He blew a long sigh, sinking even further into the couch if possible. Stella noticed, and took his hand, prompting him to stand.

"Come on, it's time for you to sleep."

Don resisted at first. "No, Stell. At least let me drive you to your place…"

She would have none of that. "Don't worry; I have no trouble to crash on your couch, now, off to bed with you."

Exhaustion was finally catching up to him, but he was raised right, and he couldn't have his friend sleeping on the couch while he slept on the bed. "Stell, at least take the bed, I can sleep on the couch…"

"Nonsense! By the looks of you, you hadn't had a decent night of sleep in days, even weeks I'd say." When she had her mind set into something, there was no way to convince her otherwise, so he was giving up the fight. She helped him to sit on his bed, taking of his shoes and making him lie down.

Even though he could barely keep his eyes open, he made one last escape attempt. "Stell, I'm a big boy… You don't have to tuck me in and watch over my sleep."

She tucked him in anyway. "You're right, I don't _have to_… Go to sleep already, I'll be here." He couldn0t be sure, but he felt her kiss him on the forehead.

He burrowed deeper into the blankets, moving his hand until he found Stella's, mumbling sleepily. "Thanks Stell…" And he was out.

She smiled, watching over him all through the first night of peaceful sleep he had had since Jessica Angell's death. She wouldn't leave him alone anymore, and she would make sure that their team – their family – would be there to help him too.

The End

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A/N: Thank you for reading. This is another gapfiller for the show, since I didn't really buy that Don could go back to his happy self with only MAc's lecture in 6x08.

I hope you liked it, and review, if you feel like it...

Hugs.


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